When you look in the mirror, are you aiming for confirming that you look better than what you feel like or worst?
It is just a matter of how often you do that.
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When you look in the mirror, are you aiming for confirming that you look better than what you feel like or worst?
It is just a matter of how often you do that.
Right of passage for insane requests: Granted.
Excellent. Give me a second before I indulge in this one.
*shouts like a maniac towards living room*
“Alexa play Eye of the Tiger”
*epic intro starts in the background*
Ahhh. Much better.
So… Luxuries that I need in my life.
I have only one request: an old-school SNES controller with programmable buttons. You can also call it my own version of genie in the bottle that could help me with a “few” personal lifestyle improvements.
Player #2 just joined the game. Double controllers, double the control, double the fun.
I would first program the 4 colorful buttons in the most vital improvements I need:
Blue X button: Instant Laundry and outfit matching.
One light press of this button and all my laundry is done instantaneously. My shirts are dry cleaned and perfectly ironed and then placed back in my wardrobe. My trousers and sweaters smell perfectly and my sports clothes are also placed back in the right drawer. It also categorizes my clothes based on the best possible color and style combinations, so I will look stylish and sharp every day.
Green Y button: Perfect food every time.
I love cooking but picking the proper quality ingredients takes a lot of time (plus moneyzzz). I will never have to pick up ingredients for any kind of recipe myself again. I will just hit the green button and a package with all I need will be delivered at my door step. Thai food, Mediterranean cuisine, South American cuisine and even Indian delicacies. Just name it. It doubles as a sophisticated sommelier wine picker.
Yellow B button: They see me sleepin’, they hatin’ button.
This button offers the proper trade-off between sleeping and not wasting time sleeping. I press the yellow button from heaven and I immediately sleep for 8 hours straight. while the time goes 4 times slower (or the time goes 4 times faster for me).
What does that mean? I sleep 8 hours, but only 2 hours pass. I can sleep 3 hours later and wake up 3 hours earlier and still be fresh as a cucumber. I can even try to start training to run a Marathon and not affect my daily routine at all.
Red A button: “A” stands for Awesome, or for something that I forget about
I press the A button and the controller asks me kindly “What have you lost again, you dingus?”. I just say with my calm and melodic voice “I lost my house keys”. “They are in your jacket, inner pocket. For the 4th time…”. I do not think I need to argue more about this button.
D-Pad and Start and Select buttons:
All the smaller tasks and chores that I need to be done are listed in a small menu. I just need to press “Start” and search for them with the D-pad and finally press select. Imagine sitting at your couch and pressing “turn off lights” via the controller. Pure awesomeness.
(I am not lazy - I am not lazy - I am not lazy - I am not lazy - I am not lazy…).
Last but not least, some button combos:
Up+Down+Down+Right+A+B+Left: Instant 15.000 Thousand Euros. Cold hard cash. Repeat as many times as you please to reach your desired amount.
5*Select+Red button: Evacuate the building/block/neighborhood in the next 60 seconds. I just pressed the self-destruction combo. Why I need this? Well, you know… In case Sauron tries to steal my precious.
“All that is required to feel that here and now is happiness is a simple, frugal heart.” (Kazantzakis, Zorbas the Greek)
Those words touch my heart every time I read them. Not because they display a grande master plan of how a person can attain happiness, but because of exactly the opposite.
It shows how easy it is to experience happiness, to feel content, to live more and to worry less. All it takes is a frugal heart.
Kazantzakis quotes his own kind of personal paradise as part of the above quote: a glass of wine, a roast chestnut, a wretched little brazier, the sound of the sea. These are the few components that elevate his spirits and fill his heart. So simple and so unbelievably easy.
Maybe this does not sum up happiness for you. Maybe you do not like wine, or you are allergic to chestnuts. Maybe you do like the sea but instead you prefer the tundra or the savanna. Maybe the sound of the sea bears no sentimental charge for you. But you should have a sound that unlocks you happy place gates.
Happiness can be easily achieved with 3 or 4 components. If you find yours, you will be able to fully experience it and to live for that specific moment.
I am a genuinely impatient person with very limited tolerance in queuing time in bars, restaurants and services.
However, I am going bananas when I meet the Johns and Janes who are even more impatient than me in packed coffeeplaces/bars and try to take the table I was sitting before I have even stood up from my chair.
I hate you guys. I hate you with passion.
Not because you want to sit at my table, but because you cannot wait 5–10 seconds more for me to actually put on my coat, grab my phone and wallet and make my leave. Sometimes, you do not even ask if the table is available.
When I encounter this kind of sneaky hyenas, I leave excruciatingly slow. I mean really slow. To the point that they might think that I am an obsessive buffoon.
I will check 5 times that I have my keys in my pocket, I will put my wallet and my phone extremely carefully in my inner pockets, I will put on my coat extremely slow and I will try to fix my shoelaces a couple of times before taking my leave. While standing up I will stretch and will try to fix the chairs and the glasses on the table. Then I will check my phone and I will take my time putting it back in my inner pocket.
I usually make them wait for me 30 to 45 seconds. However, quite important is to maintain constant eye contact with them throughout the whole act. This makes me them feel awkward.
For extra chaos points, a couple times I said: “Ah… Sorry pals, but those guys over there asked if they can sit at our table 5 minutes ago.”
*leasurely points towards a group of people*
The only thing they had to do was to wait 5 more seconds. 5 seconds.
Apparently, I am very impatient with those impatient jokers, which is an amazing oxymoron.
There is an old anecdote that goes around in my profession. I am a Business Controller which basically means that I am an Accountant but ever so slightly wittier, funkier and better dressed.
The anecdote goes like this:
Jason, Christopher and Jim are the final candidates in the recruitment process for the role of Business Controller in a company in San Fransisco. All of them are equally skilled and quite experienced in Finance.
Jason enters the room and the interviewer immediately asks:
Interviewer: I have only one question which will define if we will hire you or not. How much is two plus two?
Jason: Ehm… Four I guess. Isn’t it?
Interviewer: Thank you very much for your time. We will call you until the end of next week.
And Jason leaves defeated.
Christopher enters the room and, again, the interviewer immediately jumps on him with the same question:
Interviewer: Christopher you are my favorite candidate. But you will need to answer one question before we sign a contract. How much is two plus two?
Christopher: That’s easy. It is definitely four.
Interviewer: Ahh… Thank you for your taking the time to come. We will contact you in the next few days.
Christopher leaves with crippled morale.
Then, finally, Jim enters the room and, unsurprisingly, the interviewer asks again the same question.
Interviewer: Jim, how much is two plus two?
Jim: Well, it depends on what you want it to be.
Interviewer: Excellent reply. You are hired.
Jim got the job.
1 plus 2 is 4. Quick maths bro…
A Bizzo Controller needs to be able to explain both positive and negative figures when asked. However, it gets even more interesting when we need to show how a negative figure is actually a proxy/indication for positive momentum.
And sometimes, we just need to find a way to mathematically/financially support the management’s claims.
So, trust me: Two plus two?
It can be anything. It depends on what you want it to be.
Image credit: pixabay
My Mediterranean roots have gifted me with non-curable (almost terminal stage) impatience.
If you are sharing the same curse with me then you have also experienced the crippling agitation of a metro being delayed or having to wait for your food to be cooked for 30 minutes. I am seriously losing my cool when this small misfortunes happen.
However, when impatience is coupled with a forward-thrusting attribute then it can be channeled towards a specific (good) cause.
As a person, I have a very strong sense of ownership for the projects I get involved with.
By being impatient I have learnt to attempt to cut corners to reach the end of the road a little bit faster.
Impatience forced to become an outside-of-the-box thinker and to utilize my time more effectively.
Brace yourselves, pseudointellectual monologue is coming.
*talking slowly in slizzy voice*Dear everybody,
My name is Ralf-Marcus and I am burdened with an IQ of 157. I belong in the Global top 0,00031% but unfortunately I possess the 4th highest IQ score in my local Mensa club. I was very disheartened when I realized that.
I am occupied as an Architecture Critic with specialization in Soviet post-constructivism with deep knowledge in a variety of other styles. In my weekly column in the New Yorker I denounce the uncivilized architects who attempt to dilute the pure and pristine style of Post-Futuristic Bauhaus. I feel it is my social responsibility to protect humanity from such philistines.
I am also a level 5 full-time vegan. I basically do not eat anything that can cast a shadow, so my diet is mostly liquid based. I h̷a̷t̷e̷ ̷w̷i̷t̷h̷ ̷p̷a̷s̷s̷i̷o̷n̷ have strong feelings against meat-eatarians aka the unsophisticated barbarians and I try to convert to the right path as many of them as possible.
Last but not least, my political standpoint can be described as the intersection between Jean-Paul Sartre’s Marxism-Existentialism and Nietzsche's Esoteric Moralism. I find great enjoyment from leveling the field between right wing capitalistic pigs and left wing hypocrites. They are both equally incompetent in governing our hearts and minds.
Feel free to listen to some of my solo podcasts. You can find them in Spotify under 1-Genius-1-microphone .
Talk to you soon, guys.
Ralf-Marcus the Great
And now back to Thanos...
This aphorism fully describes the thought process of a pseudo-intellectual.
It’s my way or the *bark* way you illiterate buffoon.
They will try their utmost to: toot their own horn, show their superiority syndrome and to convince you to support their cause.
God save your poor soul if you decline to do so or you disapprove their brilliance.
They will show you their cynical face that is saltier and more bitter than Kosher Dill Pickles.
Last but not least, they tend to wear funky-shaped glasses in polarizing colors and they have weird naming conventions for their websites domains.
Be clever, do not be like Ralf-Marcus.
Or if it is too late for that, please limit your area of effect radius to 1 meter from your living room armchair.
Definitely not Markus
A financial janitor, an organizational firefighter and a seasoned hostage negotiator at the same time. That’s pretty much my current job.
What do you mean this is not clear enough? Imagine what would happen if I will tell you the formal title I bear.
I am a Business Controller. Is that clear now? Yes? No?
The Bizzo Controllante. The Business Big Cheese. The Commercial Top Dawg.
There is a business. And then, there is a person who controls it. That’s me.
This role is a combination of a bean counter, a watchdog and a business partner. A mediator who is sitting between finance and the commercial business and they try to support everyone’s interests.
Having everything under Ctrl. #noshitsherlock
Sales, marketing, Supply Chain, Management, Finance and the headquarters. These are my stakeholders. And there is only one of me who is trying to keep all the balls in the air while staying sane and elegant.
Oh! And I am not allowed to shout, punch or (officially) blackmail any of them. So I actually need to either find win-win solutions or to be the bad news messenger to the losing side.
Seth Godin would call my position as the “linchpin role”. Quite useless by itself but extremely important to keep the whole wheel system rolling.
So, to reply to that question: Yes, it is hard to explain my job.
So I usually opt for the following: “I am Business Controller. I am basically an accountant but cooler, wittier and better dressed.”
I grew up in much simpler times. We were running and playing on the streets and we could stay out late without any supervision from grown-ups. I developed a few grams of exploratory spirit and acquired multiple scars on my knees and arms from those days.
However, around my junior high school the whole “stranger-danger” trend started picking on. An incident here and there were enough to create an outrageous contagion effect among parents. We were told to not talk to anyone and to run away screaming from people trying to approach us with candy or any other kind of treats. We were getting quarantined for own safety.
My father was driving me and my sisters to the school everyday. We were living in the outskirts of my hometown and it was a good 10–12-kilometers ride, of which the first 3–4 kilometers were through a small hill by the seaside. I made it sound as a pleasant drive by the beach, but it was nothing like that. Imagine it a little bit more like a winding road, 5–10 meters from sea level with not pavements, bad lighting and stray dogs infesting the area. For someone driving the car was a very bad road. For someone walking on it, it could have been nightmare-ish to clear the whole distance.
You have got to love this this winter weather.
One winter rainy morning, as we were passing through that road, we noticed a dark figure walking by the side of the road. My father, exercising his lighting speed reflects, immediately stops and asks the person through the window:
My father: Hello, where are you heading?
Stranger: Hello, young man. Just heading towards the bus stop to take the bus to the town.
My father: I driving my children to their school. We can help you to the city center if that helps.
The stranger’s smile lit up and her eyes grew wide. She opened the door and we continued our drive.
For the first time, I could see her facial characteristics. It was a very wrinkly and old-looking grandma who was wearing multiple layers of clothes and scarfs (but no umbrella) to keep herself warm -as much as she could- in order to go to the town to cash out her pension and to buy some groceries. Her children could not drive her to the town these days so she had to take the initiative to walk through that awful part of the road and to wait a good 30–40 minutes for the bus.
I was very baffled by my fathers behavior. He took no precautions. He did not check the persons credentials and he just left her in our car.
A few minutes later he left her, literally, meters away from the bank she was intending to go. She thanked us at least 15 times and she left with an even greater smile in her face and a very energetic pace.
My father did not do it for parenting reasons. He did not do it because he knew the person. He did not do it to serve any kind of superiority syndrome or to get something in exchange.
He was just humane and he helped another human who was going to have a really crappy day.
I still remember how I greeted him when we reached my school 10 minutes later.
Younger Thanos: Hey dad. See you in the evening.
My father: Bye. Have a good one son.
Younger Thanos: And… dad?
My father: Yes?
Younger Thanos: You are much cooler that I though you were.
Image credit pixabay