Welcome! My name is Thanos and I am striving to make you laugh and think. Preferably in that order. Who am I kidding? Most probably you have not even read this paragraph as a whole. Too bad for you I guess because I was going to share all my wisdom and untamed creativity with you in the following lines. But now you have ruined everything. *sips from his glass of wine* YOU HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING...
The most spectacularly useless superhero should be…*drumroll*… Manatee-Man.
Yes, yes. The man who absorbed the untamed fierceness of a manatee. Half manatee - half man.
His superpower? Being fully aquatic, extremely fat, slow and dressed in graphite grey. Cuteness does not count as superpower.
Imagine the Manatee-Man theme song:
“Manatee-Man, Manatee-Man, Does whatever a Manatee can”
“Swims in the water, or it dies, cannot catch thieves, cannot catch mice”
(Theme song is still WIP)
What are you looking at, bro? You got problem?
If you are wondering what a manatee can do, well the reply is easy… NOTHING. Manatees do not have natural predators, so they have not evolved defenses. They do not have claws, or spikes, or teeth, or speed, or even the willingness to fight.
Manatees self-Defence is avoiding their enemies. They are the defenseless nerd of the school. Or the in-real-life magicarp.
So Manatee-Man is not going to be the Marvels next blockbuster unfortunately. Even the origins story would be lame, since it would take the protagonist many days to convince the Manatee to bite him just to absorb its powers.
So, yes, useless superpower of the century. Being half a manatee.
Ps: Manatee’s nickname is sea cow. Sea Cow Man does not sound fluttering either. Or maybe I should call him Sea Bull?
I was once walking with one of my friends through a poorly lit but very central avenue. We were heading for some drinks and we have just had finished with some predrinking in my friend’s place. We were laughing out loud and not paying any attention to our surroundings.
We were young and naive - barely 19 years of age.
Two guys approach us from the opposite side of the road. But we were young and naive and we did not try to avoid them.
They asked us if we could help them with some kind of address. But we were young and naive and we tried to be helpful and to help them out.
They closed the distance between us. But we were young and naive we did not considered it suspicious.
Finally, the tallest of the two grabs me by the arm and takes out a syringe from his pocket.
Bum:”I have used this syringe on me and I have AIDS. Give me all your money or I will stab you with it.”
I still remember his calm and penetrating eyes. He has done that before. He was not scared. I was the one who pissing my pants.
I gave him everything from my pockets and they went away. Funnily enough they did not touch my friend at all.
My money and my not-so-crappy phone were gone. But so was my innocence.
In retrospect, I was the one who put myself on that vulnerable position by looking too wide-eyed. And by laughing like a young boy in an adults’ world. A very dark world. I guess we create our own fate.
Fro 4 years now, I have been a sole-English speaker. My progression with the Swedish language resembles the 5 stages of grief.
First came denial. That I did not need this language in my life. I can invest my time in far better ways. I DO NOT NEED IT!
The followed anger. Why is everyone speaking a magic melodic language that I do not understand ? Damn them and everyone else who denies me the opportunity to communicate with them. Speak to me you fools. In English please.
Then I tried to apply some bargaining. If I could understand some words then maybe I do not need to fully dedicate my time to learning Swedish. Maybe they would allow me to reply in English? Maybe they will want my opinions then? Maybe I can try to meet them halfway?
Then came depression. I was sad. For a while. I have painted myself into a corner. It has been 4 years and I still do not use their damn language. Let me pour myself a huge glass of wine and cry in the fetus position in my shower.
Finally, I arrived to the stage of acceptance. Yeah-yeah, I am useless with languages and all that. But at least I know that already and I can try to learn this damn language from scratch.
Back in my military service days, my superiors sent me on a 2-week combat training in a base in the middle of nowhere. The closest town was 1 hour away.
When I arrived in the host base I started unpacking my stuff from my military sack.
I remember that I had used an ingenious packing method. I categorized all my military garments in separate plastic bags. Like this, I could prepare faster for the inspections in the mornings by grabbing a clean piece of cloth from each bag.
I took out the bags with the camo trousers, the military shirts and my winter military socks. I put them in my locker.
Then I searched for the bag with my underwear but the bag I found felt weird and lumpy. I untied the bag and I opened it and my jaw dropped.
All I could see was 15 pairs of summer military socks.
I had left the bag with my underwear in my home base and I had 1 pair of underwear. Theone I was wearing already.
Life without me stinks, bro….
I drag one of my comrade-in-arms that I knew from before to the side. I was red-faced and I was mumbling but I still attempted the question.
Thanos: Dude, I have kind of an issue. I am desperate. I forgot my underwear back in the home-base. I was wondering if…. ah… do you have any spare ones?
Comrade: Aaaa… Do you want to borrow my underwear?
Thanos: Well, you can lend me a couple of pairs and I will return them to you after the combat camp. Clean and fresh of course.
Comrade: Thanos, I am trying to be helpful over here, but I am 10 kgs lighter than you. And I barely have enough pairs of slips for me to go through the two weeks. You have lucked out.
I was thunderstruck and helpless. He was my best chance of not becoming the laughing stock among the other trainees. And there was no chance in hell that I would risk asking out loud for underwear from the 20 other strangers I was sharing a room with.
5 days later we got our first evening out from the army base and I bought a dozen of boxers when we arrived in the town.
It was even more embarrassing because my friend knew that I was wearing the same underwear for 5 days full of trainings and hiking.
Unsophisticated: I rarely toot my own horn and I do not brag about my passions and my previous experiences. I do not have strong feelings about art and I will never insult anyone about their hobbies or their belief system (**vegans excluded). My non-confrontational nature usually comes out as lack of character.
Simple-minded: I ask childish questions and I have puppy eyes. People think that I am missing a few points in the IQ scale. Simultaneously, my fixation with politeness makes people believe that I have an innocent heart. Ask any of my friends and they will say “Thanos is pure as a pug and harmless as a seahorse.”.
Hobbit: Character-wise I always cheerful and full of energy and I am the first to help a person is distress. By many standards, I am not considered macho or a player. Instead, I am not shy to expose my romantic and naive soul if need be. Appearance-wise, being a Greek living in Sweden, I am 10–15 centimeters shorter than anyone else. I also have huge-ass feet.
Nothing to see here. Just my bushy hobbit-hole.
I am perceived as an unsophisticated simple-minded hobbit.
*slowly sits on armchair and starts stroking his cat*
Good. Excellent almost. I am not even mad.
My alibi is finally in place.
No one will suspect me for conquering the world now.
What? Did you expect me to write a small intro or something? Go and see if I care.
|| Some people say that I am grossly hilarious. I am not sure if it is meant as a compliment.
The posts are coming from the voice inside my head and I write only my own ideas and opinions.
Stay tuned for the ride. Or not. I am not your mother.