Dale something-something alegria Macarena...
I love this song and fortunately for you I also love giving excellent advice.
Thus, I polymerized those two building blocks to create the only headphones guide you will ever need in this life (and probably the next one).
You are welcome.
→ Ear Destroyer Mk1 (RSP 5$)
The tin can telephone of the bunch. These monitors had the audio clarity of a cement tumbler rolling downhill in San Francisco and the durability of a daisy during a thunderstorm.
In my personal testing, I could discern that I was listening to Macarena 31% of the time, so I was actually quite impressed.
They are made with materials starting with “C” such as cheap plastic, crappy silicone and to cant’t-be-serious cables.
Their fourth-rate quality seemed superior only to their fifth-rate warranty of 24 days hours.
My headphones got destroyed after only 2 full Macarena dances (thank god for that).
Verdict: Torture devices are becoming more and more affordable.
→ Cacofonus XR (RSP 25$)
Hell’s next-door neighbor. These headphones were 500% more expensive than the previous ones but only 57% better. Quite frankly, they can become the best investment you can make 4 times a year.
They are manufactured with materials starting from “L” such as lousy plastic, low-quality silicone and literally-unacceptable leather.
I have listened to Macarena approximately 57 times (with each ear) before noticing any signs of ear canal bleeding.
Verdict: The perfect headphones for your deaf grandmother.
→ Melody Whisperer 2000 (RSP 100$)
Now we are talking. These boom-boom monitors were non-plastic and they transferred the pure vibe of Macarena to my ear drums.
I could dance. I could feel the groove. I could move my arms. I could move my ears.
You can trust those aluminum naughty boys as much as you would trust your next-door 12-year-old neighbor to babysit your kids while you are having an ancient-Roman-themed cruise with your wife.
2 years of (Macarena) warranty.
Verdict: This small-town beauty knows how to party.
→ The Melodious B.I.G. (RSP 500$*)
Angelic voices sign from the heavens...
Hallelujah and Namaste.
Los Del Río themselves appeared in front of me and started dancing and singing. I was amazed both by the sound purity but also by the amount of money that were missing from my wallet.
The manufacturing quality and sophistication of these headphones is higher than the launch mission of Apollo 11. And they did, indeed, travel me to the moon.
Manufactured with: Adamantium cable, tamed South-African-cloud pads, Vallyrian Steel monitors and Mithril carry pouch.
*Gollum whispers “My precious” in the background*
They are enchanted by a 97-year-old gypsy making it impossible to destroy them during their 25-year warranty.
Verdict: B-.. But you can live with only one kidney, right?
Ps: Testing 5$ dollar headphones for more than 12 minutes straight might cause brain damage, ear gangrene and/or armpit hair loss. Seek medical advice first.
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