The most spectacularly useless superhero should be…*drumroll*… Manatee-Man.
Yes, yes. The man who absorbed the untamed fierceness of a manatee. Half manatee - half man.
His superpower? Being fully aquatic, extremely fat, slow and dressed in graphite grey. Cuteness does not count as superpower.
Imagine the Manatee-Man theme song:
“Manatee-Man, Manatee-Man, Does whatever a Manatee can”
“Swims in the water, or it dies, cannot catch thieves, cannot catch mice”
(Theme song is still WIP)
What are you looking at, bro? You got problem?
If you are wondering what a manatee can do, well the reply is easy… NOTHING. Manatees do not have natural predators, so they have not evolved defenses. They do not have claws, or spikes, or teeth, or speed, or even the willingness to fight.
Manatees self-Defence is avoiding their enemies. They are the defenseless nerd of the school. Or the in-real-life magicarp.
So Manatee-Man is not going to be the Marvels next blockbuster unfortunately. Even the origins story would be lame, since it would take the protagonist many days to convince the Manatee to bite him just to absorb its powers.
So, yes, useless superpower of the century. Being half a manatee.
Ps: Manatee’s nickname is sea cow. Sea Cow Man does not sound fluttering either. Or maybe I should call him Sea Bull?
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